I read your article in the on “Chasing away Mr. Right for Mr. Wrong.”  As a psychotherapist, I often work with LBGT clients struggling with this issue.  Thank you for so clearly explaining what is usually the real problem. The Buddha would be proud of you.  And thanks also for promoting therapy as a viable avenue for effective change.  I’m curious, have you ever considered becoming a proper therapist?
–  Shrink on your side

Dear Shrink:
You must be joking.  Me a shrink?  The guy who throws pennies in the wishing well hoping that nobody’s wishes come true?   The guy who thinks sympathy is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis?  The guy whose upbeat view of abortion is “Lose 5 Pounds in 5 days?”

I think not.  But you do bring up a good point.  I’m a great believer in therapy.  It’s been a tremendous help in various stages of my life.  As you can see, it’s made me sweeter to my fellow man.  But seriously, I credit therapy with accepting my own homosexuality.  I remember wanting to quit college because I was so unhappy with life because of this sexual “curse” I had (loving men).  I remember talking to my older brother about quitting and though he didn’t know why I was so unhappy he suggested I do what he did—go to therapy.    I remember being shocked.  Here was my older brother, an athletic star, telling me he went to therapy!  I learned a valuable lesson then:  Sometimes it takes a “senior” person to give you “permission” to get help.  I took the permission and my life opened up.  So as the Senior Ass Master of this rag, consider this if you’re struggling with any issue, sexual or not:  Permission Granted.

1. Oh PLEASE don’t choose one of those ‘me and my girlfriend’ photos as your profile pic.

2.  My vote for worst profile:  “”I block more Asians than the great wall of China”

3. DON’T – Choose a picture that looks better than you do in person. Stay away from photoshop. Avoid any picture that’s more than a year old. You are the worst person to choose your pictures. You will ALWAYS pic the picture that represents the “you” that you want to be or wish that you were rather than the “you” you actually are.

From The Times:

In recent years, Ted Haggard, an evangelical leader who preached that homosexuality was a sin, resigned after a scandal involving a former male prostitute; Larry Craig, a United States senator who opposed including sexual orientation in hate-crime legislation, was arrested on suspicion of lewd conduct in a men’s bathroom; and Glenn Murphy Jr., a leader of the Young Republican National Convention and an opponent of same-sex marriage, pleaded guilty to a lesser charge after being accused of sexually assaulting another man.  Keep reading…

You’ve probably received a thousand letters from guys like me, who are attracted to guys they can’t have. It’s a laughably common problem, yet I’ve never seen anyone give a satisfactory answer on how to deal with it.  Maybe you can help me?  After 20 years of experience with men, I’m sure that for me, the brawny, muscular guy will always be my “type” above-and-beyond any other.  Too bad for me, because these guys nearly always want someone with their own body type, and I’ll never have it.  I’m a beanpole by nature: thousands of hours of weight training haven’t turned me into a hunk, just made me less skinny.  No reputable doctor will prescribe anabolic steroids to me, and I don’t want to risk doing illicit steroids.  Given the Gay Rules of Attraction, I know my chance of getting a studly boyfriend is slight-to-vanishing.  I do meet many averagely built guys who are decent-looking, smart, successful, and who consider me attractive.  I really am tired of being alone, and I don’t want to grow old without a partner.  So, I’m finally facing the reality that I’ll need to lower my physical standards considerably if I want a boyfriend.  But I’m afraid it’s beyond me.  Occasionally, I do enjoy flirting with an “average” guy, sometimes even a roll-in-the-sack, and I can love someone deeply, as a friend.   I could see myself in a “warm and cuddly” relationship with one of these guys, but not a sexually fulfilling one.  I know I will always long for the hot stud that I can’t have.  Until now, I always thought that I would find that one man who satisfied me both physically and mentally, but now I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen.  I guess I could get a boyfriend who’s really more friend than lover, and seek out exciting but loveless sex with brawny studs on the side.  But I can’t imagine telling someone “I think you’re a great guy, and I enjoy being with you, but I’m only sexually excited by brawnier guys, but none of them will date me, so I have to settle for you.”  Of course, I wouldn’t put it in those exact words, but I’m sure that’s how it would sound, no matter how I said it.  And before you say “Therapy”, I’ve already had years of it, and it hasn’t changed what I want.  

–  Too Confused to Choose

Dear Too Confused:

Going to therapy to change the kind of person you’re attracted to is like going to therapy to change the kind of gender you’re attracted to:  The only positive change will be the therapist’s income.

I agree with you that most guys like their own body types (just like most guys like dating guys their own age, race and class). But the last time I looked up “most” in the dictionary it didn’t say “See ‘All.’”

Physically opposite couples may be a minority but you see them everywhere:  Young with older, black with white, tall with short, bitter with stupid.

While you can’t change your desire you can change your strategies.  Your tactics have all been external—your physical appearance.  Have you really worked on your internal traits?  Many “body-reversed” couples aren’t necessarily attracted to their physical opposites; they’re attracted to certain emotional qualities that just so happen to be packaged in body types they’re not particularly keen on.

And as you probably don’t know because you’re too busy chasing brawny dick, the more you love someone on the inside, the more beautiful they become on the outside.

Bottom line:  Emphasize but don’t limit your efforts on the brawny types that make your dick stand up and sing “God Bless America.”  But do it by being the kind of person anybody, brawny or not, would want to be with:  Enthusiastic, funny, confident, interesting.  If opportunity isn’t knocking, I say build a door.

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Woody is the author of Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon.  Reach him at needwood@mac.com.

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Download woody’s new ebook, How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains at  http://www.mikealvear.com/gay-anal-sex-how-to-bottom-without-pain-or-stains/

Compete.com, a service that tracks website growth showed a staggering decline for Manhunt in the last year.  From a high of 428,000 unique users in June 2011 to a low of 280,000 in November 2011.  It’s been going up slightly every month since then but it really makes you think.  How can the undisputed leader of online gay hookups lose so much market share?

Live by technology, die by technology, I guess.  Hopefully, they can chart out a future for themselves; or rather for us.  Because at the end of the day, we thrive when we’ve got more options.

Mark:  Just got back from a coffee date with a guy I met on GrindR.  I don’t know why I met him—his pictures weren’t very good.

Me:  Wait, you met somebody on GrindR after seeing ugly pictures?  Why?

Mark:  I was hoping he’d be better-looking in person.

Me:  Dude!  You don’t meet guys on GrindR hoping their ugly pics are lies.   You’re supposed to hope their good pics aren’t fake!

Mark:  I guess.  I just signed on –i don’t know how this works!

Me:  You gotta approach it with cold-eyed realism and the mentality of a risk manager.  And your motto should be:  “They look like their worst picture.”

Newbies.  I mean, really.

I am 23 and my partner is 26.  We have been together 4.5 years and I practically moved in on the first date!  We bought a house in January, and I’m feeling very “grown up.”  I thought we were the only ones….until I read the letter in your column from “Age wasted on young.”

All our friends are the apartment-dwelling-single-party types and when I read the letter, I knew I had to do everything I could to meet this other settled early twenties couple.  I know you probably can’t give me their contact info, but I thought maybe you could forward this letter to them and maybe they would feel a similar desire to say “hey.”

–  Been there

Dear Been There:
Guys in their twenties are far more conservative these days than guys in their 30s and 40s.  The vast majority of letters I get about monogamy are from twenty-somethings pining for it.  The rest are from thirty and forty somethings spitting at it.

Last year, the CDC came out with a study showing gay guys in their 20s are less sexually active than guys in older brackets.  There is no question the Age of Romance is being ushered in by a generation that sees one-nighters and cheap sex as empty and meaningless.

The fools.

My point, and I do have one, is that you don’t need me to find more people like you.  They’re everywhere. Put down that copy of Reader’s Digest and go look for them, Mr. Magoo.

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from  guys that show interest.  I’m a sad contradiction.  I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend.   Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on.  I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move.  I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.  

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it.  Since then I’m afraid to open up to anyone.  I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again.  My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me.  I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want?  I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by. 


–  Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:

There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable.  In fact, I cover all of them in my book, Meet Hotter Guys.  But you know what?  Save yourself the money—it won’t help.  Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in the book won’t do you any good.

Look, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness.  So instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while.  Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.”  It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required.  Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life:  Seek, find and sabotage.  So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern.  Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become.  It’s a two-fer.

In some ways I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life.    It’s sad but true–many men don’t really want a relationship–they’re just looking for one.  And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier.  And *then* my book will help!

Whenever I give advice in situations like this (back off, quit contacting him so much) the guy always recoils.  “Isn’t that just playing games?” he’ll ask.  Not in my mind.  Playing a game means trying to manipulate somebody into doing or feeling something.  Recognizing where the other guy is (not that into you) and changing your behavior to mirror his (it’s great if we do something, ok if we don’t) isn’t playing a game; it’s facing a reality.

The reality is this:  If you don’t change your behavior you’re going to lose any possibility of getting closer to him.  Dating is a process of escalating honesty.  Sometimes too much honesty kills a budding relationship.  Telling a guy how into him you are when he’s barely returning your call isn’t a smart move.  You may think it’s just being honest; I think it’s being honestly stupid.

Plants need water, right?  Well, that petite little petunia over there in the corner looks a little dry.  Why don’t you pour a gallon jug of water on it and see what happens.  Honesty is like water.  It’s life sustaining in the right amount; deadly in the wrong amount.

I’m 36 and have been single for 4 years now. I went through a very hard time in a previous breakup and unfortunately it caused major insecurities that caused me to push away a wonderful man I was dating. I acted stupid and have apologized over and over again.  But, Mr. Man will not give me the time of the day now. What else can I do to tell him how sorry I am and how much I miss him without acting like a desperate fool?  


—  One sorry dude

Dear Sorry,

You didn’t tell me what you did so it’s hard to give specifics.  After all, the repair factor is directly related to the severity of what you did.  So, if you screwed his best friend behind his back (and really, where else could you f*ck him?), forgiveness would be difficult but achievable.  On the other hand, if you used his moisturizers without asking, you might as well fall on your sword because there ain’t a gay jury alive that would hand down a forgiveness decision.

In any case, there’s a thin line between apologizing and harassing. So stop apologizing.  Send him a beautiful card and acknowledge, with legible handwriting please, that the hardest part of seeing a potential love affair die is knowing that the wound was self-inflicted.  Tell him you understand his need for some time and space to process what’s happened and that you’ll honor it by keeping your distance.

In other words, leave it where Jesus flung it.  Send him flowers about a month afterwards.  If that doesn’t work, kiss your fantasy goodbye.